Single
The course of true love never did run smooth.
William Shakespeare
I have had this planned on my blog calendar for a couple months, but it’s not something I think or talk about to much. It’s something I’ve wanted to work through for a while and just haven’t. I thought putting this on my blog calendar would help me with that.
I love podcasts, and I was listening to one where a Christian writer vulnerably shared about wanting to be married and what it's like not to be when she thought she would. I’m in the same boat as she is. I thought I would have been married in my early to mid twenties. Being a thirty something single woman in the church is hard. Trying to find community can be difficult. The majority of women my age are married and have children. I often feel like I don’t belong. I wonder if people think there is something wrong with me.
Sometimes, I think about if I even want to get married. Most of the time, what I think about is having a person to do life with. I have people in my life that I do that with, but I often feel like I’m bothering them. It isn't anything they are saying or doing (at least that’s what I’m telling myself). I would love to be able to come home and receive a hug for however my day went. I love me a good hug! It would be nice to have that "build-in" person to talk to. When I’m being completely transparent, I have a desire to get married, to have someone there when I’m on my death bed, even if that isn’t guaranteed.
I haven’t been trying to date. I’m not even sure how to get started. I don’t trust most people to set me up. Maybe eventually I will try online dating Part of my struggle for a while has been that I thought for a while no one would want to marry me. It’s a big reason I haven’t tried dating. I didn’t realize this until a couple of years ago. I realize now that this is just me having lack of confidence and believing that I don’t matter. I haven’t dealt with this yet. I know that my next step is to process this realization, or any relationship I go into will not be healthy.